Staphylococcus Aureus: a disease that will infect your skin and cause meningitis, or in the hands of the Dawg Staphers, the kind of viral sports enlightenment that will simply fuck your head up
Following a very interesting draft, far better than last years draft I thought, its time for some reflection. I'm not going to go through an rate teams as I see this as pointless unless you are talking about the Oakland Raiders. The crypt keeper himself made many foolish decisions in this years draft. Lets say for the sake of argument that Darius Heywood Bey turns out to be a decent player and contributes and turns into a decent WR in the NFL. Al Davis should have traded down and picked him in the late 20s where he still would have been available and got him for much cheaper than paying him number 7 pick money. Hey Al, yes you can not teach speed, hey if you covenant speed, fine. But get it a value, trade back and still get your guy. There were just better options there to spend your money. Its like paying 20 grand for a beat up used honda civic. Also, HAHA at the safety from OU, he was a 6th rd pick at best. This really hurts to write and watch on draft day because outside of the Browns I grew up loving the raiders with their ridiculous fan base, some of the best fans in the league no doubt. They deserve better than this.
The Cleveland Browns had a fairly good draft I thought. Any time you come away with at least 4 starters from the draft I think you can call it successful. I am talking about Robo, Mack, and two players we got from the Jets. I do question the 2 wr taken, I like him as a prospect, I think he will make it in the NFL, I just thought we had more pressing needs at that spot especially on defense. Overall solid effort sticking to their core values plan getting smart hard nose football players. SF 9ers, got a great value with the best WR in the draft, and a solid number 1, something they have lacked since TO left town.
Texas Tech - Hey Michael Leach shut up! No one wants to hear you whine and cry about Crabbtree falling because you say the Browns led a smear campaign to knock him down. Not true, in fact I have reports that he acted like an ass while here even pulling the ol high five, psyche routine on Braylon Edwards. Yeah really funny Crabbs, way to go. He dropped because he played in a ridiculous offense that would never work in the NFL and thus his stats are extremely inflated, much like your QB's are. You want you kids to get drafted, play a real offense. IF you don't want his image to be tarnished them him to stop acting this way: Yeah, thats not a diva at all. Its the Browns fault he fell to the 49ers not Al Davis, not his offense system, not his foot injury, it is Eric Mangini's fault. Shut up leach. Next comming of Prime Time perhaps? Also, Eric Dampier needs to shut up as well. OHHH BIG BILLY BADASS running his mouth about knocking Tony Parker on his ass. Way to deliver tough guy, yeah you won the game but failed to deliver on your promise. To me it seemed like a middle school bully who acts tough and gets in fights at school, only because he knows it will get broken up and thus no damage to themselves. Right, He couldn't knock him down because he ran his mouth and if he did he would be suspended and fined. Well hey genius, don't run your mouth and lead by example and do it before talking about it and you are much more effective and intimidating that way. Then you can be tough without having to run your mouth to try and achieve that image. Way to go powderpuff!
1. Detriot Lions, M. Stafford (QB, Georgia): As previously noted, I don't agree with this, but that doesn't mean it won't happen 2. St. Louis Rams, J. Smith (OT, Baylor): They lost Orlando Pace and need to protect their investments in Bulger and Jackson 3. Kansas City Chiefs, A. Curry (LB, Wake Forrest): A versatile leader for a defense in need of both 4. Seattle Seahawks, E. Monroe (OT, Virginia): The Houshmanzada signing means the team still thinks it can win now-- sorry Sanchez 5. Cleveland Browns, M. Crabtree (WR, Texas Tech): Braylon's on the block and Stallworth is on his way to the cell-block; Browns take top WR 6. Cincinnati Bengals, A. Smith (OT, Alabama): Carson demands it (Yes, that's a Zardoz reference) 7. Oakland Raiders, B. Raji (DT, Boston College): Al Davis can't be so whacked out as to believe he can win with Terdell Sands/ Gerrard Warren 8. Jacksonville Jaguars, M. Sanchez (QB, USC): Word on the street is Jax wants out of this spot. I expect the Jets to move up. 9. Green Bay Packers, B. Orakopo (OLB/DE, Texas): Some pass-rush help as the team moves into its new 3-4 scheme 10. San Francisco 49ers, A. Maybin (OLB/DE, Penn St.): Some pass-rush help as the team tries to make its current 3-4 scheme work 11. Buffalo Bills, M. Oher (OT, Ole Miss): With Peters in Philly and 3 OL gone in the top 10, the Bills can't afford to wait around 12. Denver Broncos, T. Jackson (DL, LSU): Another 3-4 convert in desperate need of personnel who fit 13. Washington Redskins, R. Ayers (DE, Tennessee): Following with the theme of teams who need help in the pass-rush department 14. New Orleans Saints, B. Cushing (OLB, USC): The Scott's (Shanle and Fujita), have been the starting OLB's the past two years 15. Houston Texans, M. Jenkins (DB, Ohio St.): Might be a corner, might be a safety; The Texans could use both 16. San Diego Chargers, R. Malauga (LB, USC): No OT of 3-4 DE worth the pick, so the Bolts get an upgrade over Matt Wilhelm at ILB 17. New York Jets, J. Maclin (WR, Missouri): I suspect Jax gets this pick and take a player they would've considered at #8 18. Denver Broncos, E. Brown (OLB/DE, Florida St.): Brown takes a bit of a slide and Denver gets to add another piece to its 3-4 puzzle 19. Tampa Bay Buccaneers, P. Jerry (DT, Ole Miss): A great fit for Tampa's 1-gap system after losing Jovan Haye to FA 20. Detroit Lions, E. Britton (OT, Arizona): Last year ATL used pick 21 on Sam Baker to protect Matt Ryan; It's a copycat league 21. Philadelphia Eagles, C. Wells (RB, Ohio St.): Eagles would be thrilled if Beanie were to fall to them; Prolongs Westbrook's career 22. Minnesota Vikings, A. Mack (OL, Cal): Lost Matt Birk this off-season and don't want Peterson to feel the consequences 23. New England Patriots, K. Moreno (RB, Georgia): Great value at this spot—can address other needs with multiple 2nd round picks 24. Atlanta Falcons, B. Pettigrew (TE, Oklahoma St.): A reliable target for Ryan and blocking help for Michael Turner 25. Miami Dolphins, H. Nicks (WR, UNC): Ready to contribute now; Chance to be a legit #1 (More than Ginn or Camarillo can say) 26. Baltimore Ravens, C. Matthews (LB, USC): Another value pick...Would compete for Bart Scott's old spot in the lineup 27. Indianapolis Colts, J. Freeman (QB, Kansas St.): I think this pick will be traded with a team that picks early in round 2 (STL or SEA) 28. Buffalo Bills, C. Barwin (DE/OLB/TE), Cincinnati): Help at either DE or TE, plus they keep him away from the Pats at #34 29. New York Giants, D. Heyward-Bay (WR, Maryland): A downfield threat to replace Plex; Team might prefer Kenny Britt 30. Tennessee Titans, V. Davis (CB, Illinois): An athletic prospect that should push Nick Harper for time 31. Arizona Cardinals, D. Brown (RB, UConn): Versatile back that would compliment Tim Hightower well 32 Pittsburgh Steelers, J.Gilbert (DL, San Jose St.): Steelers have confidence in their OL; Has time to develop and more upside than Jackson
So the March Madness burn-out has subsided, and it’s time for the people’s champ to return. With the NBA playoffs starting up this weekend, I think it’s time we turn our attention to the 14 teams that won’tbe featured before we forget about them until the lottery. We all know that the Cavaliers, Celtics, Lakers, and Magic are in, and we know the reasons why, but let’s try to figure out where the teams that missed the cut went wrong:
LOS ANGELES CLIPPERS
The league’s perennial laughingstock and doormat, the Clippers did nothing to change that reputation in 2008-2009. Their summer featured the anticipated arrival of Baron Davis from the Golden State Warriors, who was returning back to his roots in LA. That high was short-lived as the cornerstone of the Clippers, Elton Brand, jetted for the Philadelphia 76ers. And it all unraveled from there: Baron couldn’t fit in with Mike Dunleavey’s incredibly-slow, half-court offense – having thrived in Don Nelson’s run-and-gun in Oakland – and Dunleavey continued to make terrible decisions as GM: he brought in (and overpaid) the aged Marcus Camby, the DUI-machine Zach Randolph, and “never-seen-a-jumpshot-I-didn’t-like” Ricky Davis. Pair that with keeping your most explosive scorer – Eric Gordon, the ROOKIE – on the bench for most of the season, and having Chris “Caveman” Kaman sidelined with an injury all season, and you can see where this is going: 19-63.
GOLDEN STATE WARRIORS
Speaking of teams that the Baron Davis fiasco ruined, how ‘bout them Warriors? They sent away their best player the past three years, a big point guard who ran Don Nelson’s system, and, almost inexplicably, wasn’t prone to temper-tantrums with the Ol’ Drunkard like with the Hornets. A more subdued Baron led the Warriors to the thrilling 8-over-1 upset of the Dallas Mavericks in 2007, but those days are long gone. They effectively swapped for Corey Maggette, who opted out of his contract in LA and moved to the Bay Area. Maggette’s downfall is that he will shoot the ball until his arm falls off, no matter how many he actually makes. Plus, he’s a Duke player in the NBA, which should raise immediate red flags (see: Elton Brand). Then, Point Guard of the Future Monta Ellis, who made Baron Davis somewhat expendable due to his outstanding play, injured himself before the season supposedly in a “pick-up basketball game.” And by “pick-up game,” he meant “moped crash.” That’s two strikes, Monta: not only did you lie, but you got hurt riding a moped? Are you in third grade? At least when Kellen Winslow, Jr., trashed his body it was on a big-kid’s bike. Of course, the Warriors also dealt away Al Harrington to the Knicks for Jamal Crawford, which has proved to be moderately successful, but it was always too little, too late in Oaktown: 29-53.
SACRAMENTO KINGS
Keeping the Cali flavor going, that team in the Golden State’s capitol is pretty horrible, isn’t it? They’ve clinched the dubious distinction of worst record in the NBA, and they’ve earned every bit of it. Their problems started last year when they traded away Mike Bibby to the Atlanta Hawks, who made the playoffs as an 8-seed in 2008 and took the Boston Celtics to seven games, then clinched the 4-seed in the East this season. That left them with Kevin Martin as their star player, who most people wouldn’t even recognize if they passed him on the street. No one on the team made the All-Star game. They traded away their second-leading scorer, John Salmons, to the Bulls at the deadline in exchange for Andres Nocioni (can we say overrated?) and also obtained Rashad McCants, better known as Mr. Candace Parker, from the Timberwolves. The Maloof Brothers should be ashamed of themselves, or else they’re great con-artists who tanked an entire season from the get-go just for the best chance at landing the Sooner’s All-World player, Blake Griffin. If that doesn’t work, maybe they should look in their backyard and sign Sacramento’s mayor, former-NBA All-Star Kevin Johnson, to play point guard, and improve that record: 17-65.
WASHINGTON WIZARDS
Moving from the worst record in the NBA to the worst record in the East, we land in the nation’s capitol and the Wizards. The answer to this conundrum is quite simple: Agent Zero is a zero. Gilbert Arenas played 8 games in 2007-2008, then signed a six-year contract worth $111 million to stay with the Wizards. He proceeded to injure himself again and play in 2 games this season. A lot of times it’s hard to really pin one team’s success or failure on a single person, but that hat fits all too well on Arenas’ ego-inflated head. He thinks he belongs in the upper-echelon of NBA players with LeBron James, Kobe Bryant, Dwyane Wade, Tim Duncan, or Kevin Garnett, but you need to play more than 10 games combined in two seasons, and you actually need to win a playoff series. The Wizards had quite the triumvirate with Arenas, Caron Butler, and Antawn Jamison all healthy, but Arenas did more than his part to spoil that. Between that and having a paper-thin bench, featuring such household names as Oleksiy Pecherov and JaVale McGee, added to the constant trade rumors surrounding Jamison, and you’ve got the perfect formula to have the President of the United States sit courtside at your game and root for the other team. Way to go, Wiz: 19-63.
MINNESOTA TIMBERWOLVES
Hopping back West to a team also devastated by injuries, we arrive in the Land of 10,000 Lakes and lament the loss of Al Jefferson. Big Al was having an All-Star caliber season through the first 50 games, averaging 23.1 points, 11.0 rebounds, and 1.7 blocks per game. The ‘Wolves were a not-totally-hopeless 17-33, and even caught fire for a few games right before Al’s ACL snapped and he was shut down for the rest of the season. Rookie Kevin Love has been a consistent contributor (averaging 9 rebounds per game) and guard Randy Foye finally lived up to his potential and averaged 16.1 points per game. Outside of Mike Miller and Ryan Gomes, the Timberwolves didn’t offer much in the way of support, resulting in a 7-21 record post-Al: 24-58.
MEMPHIS GRIZZLIES
Speaking of young players still adapting to the NBA, and struggling mightily in the mean-time, let’s take a look at those Grizz. The three-man core of this team averages 21.3 years old: SF Rudy Gay, SG O.J. Mayo, and PG Mike Conley. 24-year old Marc Gasol starts at the 5, and elder statesman Hakim Warrick (26 years old) starts at PF. There aren’t nearly enough balls to go around to handle both Gay and Mayo, but each have been averaging 18-19 ppg all season. Both would like to score 25-30 per game, but they’re going to need a coach who can balance that out and develop the talent into complete basketball players and cohesive unit rather than a bunch of offensive-minded players who refuse to play D. A typical theme courses through the Grizzlies, too: thin bench. Combine that with the in-season firing of head coach Marc Iavaroni, and it’s no surprise that Memphis underwhelmed again this year. They could have a solid nucleus for years to come, or they could be continue to repeat this year’s performance: 24-58.
OKLAHOMA CITY THUNDER
Youth? You wanna talk about youth? Well, you found it in the middle-of-nowhere Great Plains city best known for being the target of domestic terrorism: Oklahoma City. Why the NBA ever allowed a team to locate there is beyond me, and I feel for you, Seattle. Clay Bennett should be burned at the stake for stealing the franchise that gave us those glory years with the “Glove” Gary Payton and the most prolific illegitimate-child-creator in the world: Shawn Kemp. Besides, the “Thunder” is the lamest name in the history of sports; team names have an “s” on the end of them, or, in the case of the Red Sox and the White Sox, an “x” that sounds a lot like an “s,” or in the case of the Jazz, a “z” that kind of sounds like an “s.” The Heat are beyond critique because they have D-Wade. For me, the naming of the team was the downfall of this season. Then, they surprised everybody and drafted Russell Westbrook so high in the draft, though he has proved them right. They surely have a great young nucleus that, if healthy, can be an impact for years to come. They could end up like the Portland Trail Blazers, who struggled for a playoff spot for a few years but now look to crash the party every year. If the Thunder are going to replicate that formula, they’ll need significantly more wins: 23-59.
NEW YORK KNICKS
They weren’t battered by injuries, they do have some big-name players, but they don’t have a nice young nucleus. The Knicks were just bad this year. To be fair, they started the season on a high-note, then proceeded to embroil themselves in the Stephon Marbury controversy and struggled to get out of his discount-shoe shadow. They brought in Mike D’Antoni to cover for Isiah Thomas and his monumental failures in the Big Apple, but they didn’t have anyone to play the point like D’Antoni had in Phoenix. Marbury was a cancer; the Knicks told him to not come to games or suit up or even sit on the bench. What did he do? He bought tickets to a Knicks-Lakers game and watched the damn thing from courtside. You know the best part? He was still getting paid! And what’s even better? They gave him to the Celtics, where he has an outside shot of winning a championship this year. What kind of message does that send? I suppose it sends the same message that the Knicks are not a good team and do not have the personnel necessary to run the 7-seconds-or-less offense. Nate Robinson is 5’9” and likes to shoot. That won’t work. They traded away their best scorer, Jamal Crawford. That won’t work. They traded for Larry Hughes. That won’t work. I don’t know how to say this, but the Knicks overachieved this season, but they’ve hit the very top of that ceiling. I still think they’re tanking and getting these huge contracts off the books for the Summer of 2010, but only time will tell. Either way, they’re out of the playoffs: 32-50.
NEW JERSEY NETS
While it’s easy to see why the Knicks failed this year, it’s not really so easy to tell what happened to their close neighbors. The Nets have, arguably, the Most Improved Player in PG Devin Harris, potential (though long-shot) Rookie of the Year in Brook Lopez, and a former All-Star who can take over games if he tries, Vince Carter. The problem was probably that Lopez didn’t really catch on until half-way through the season, and the Nets were always one player away from being a dominate team, or at least making the playoffs in the East (which it seems like people actively try to avoid). That one player could have been Richard Jefferson, but they traded him away for Yi Jianlian, by no means an improvement. They have a bunch of washed-up players on the bench – Jarvis Hayes, Eduardo Najera, Keyon Dooling – but they also have Chris Douglas-Roberts and Josh Boone for the future. Of course, the X-factor with this team is always Vince Carter and what effort he’s willing to expend in any given game, and I just don’t think that they’re good enough for him to care yet. The Kidd trade doesn’t seem to have benefited either team to much thus far. Is there any way to go back in time and take it back? Then again, this also could be part of Jay-Z’s plot to clear the books for 2010 to try and land LeBron, his good buddy, especially if he can take the Nets to Brooklyn. For now, they’re irrelevant until draft-time: 34-48.
TORONTO RAPTORS
Speaking of another inexplicably bad team, eh? The Raptors still have Chris Bosh, who I would argue is one of the top-five PFs in the NBA. Anthony Parker is efficient; Jose Calderon knows how to distribute; and Andrea Bargnani grew by leaps and bounds this year. There weren’t any catastrophic injuries, but there was a glaring mistake on the resume of Bryan Colangelo: the acquisition of Jermaine O’Neal from the Indiana Pacers in the off-season. O’Neal never meshed with the team, had glass feet just like in Indiana, and was traded away at the deadline for Shawn Marion. Too bad head coach Sam Mitchell wasn’t around long enough to see that: he was fired on December 3, 2008, after an 8-9 start. Not exactly a horrific start, especially not from the same guy who was named Coach of the Year in 2007. The Raptors were trigger-happy and let him go, and they’ve never been on pace or seemingly in unison for the rest of the season. Not even Jason Kapono’s dead-eye shooting could save this team. The Raptors need to think about upgrading their roster with actual talent if they want to keep Bosh in America’s Hat after 2010: 33-49.
MILWAUKEE BUCKS
This was a team primed for success before the season started. They brought in Scott Skiles as coach from the Chicago Bulls in April 2008, a coach with questionable strategies but at least strategies that resulted in wins; they traded Yi Jianlian, who pulled a Willis McGahee and criticized the banality of living in a crappy Midwestern town, for Richard Jefferson, a bona-fide scorer from the wing who hasn’t quite hit his decline yet; and they drafted Joe Alexander from West Virginia, the kind of blue-collar player that those same crappy Midwestern towns flock to. And all these pieces were going to join C Andrew Bogut, PF Charlie Villanueva, and PG Luke Ridnour – who was replaced by Ramon Sessions later in the season – and franchise-star Michael Redd. They looked poised to return to the playoffs in a top-heavy East, but one little game on January 25 derailed the entire season when Redd tore both his ACL and MCL in his left knee and was done for the season. Already thin on the front-line, Bogut’s injury later in the season didn’t help anything, and the Bucks officially had the wheels fall off. On the plus-side, they’ve discovered Ramon Sessions as capable of taking over the point after Mo Williams’ defection to Cleveland, and Luc Richard Mbah a Moute has shown himself to be a decent player off the bench. There’s always next year, Milwaukee: 34-48.
INDIANA PACERS
Staying in the Midwest, the Pacers quietly won 36 games and finished only 3 games behind Detroit for the final spot in the playoffs. Their season was highlighted by more drama from Jamaal Tinsley, who doesn’t seem capable of staying out of trouble. As such, he was turned away from the Pacers’ complex and not permitted to attend any practices or games until the Pacers could find a suitable trading partner. Remind anyone of Marbury in New York? Except this situation hasn’t run its course yet, but we’re waiting for it. The Pacers seemed ready to move on from the Brawl at the Palace by letting go of injury-prone Jermaine O’Neal – who landed one helluva punch during that scuffle, I must say – and bringing in TJ Ford from the Raptors. Danny Granger has also made a case for Most Improved Player, scoring 25.8 ppg this season and making his first All-Star Game. The team is salvageable, with Troy Murphy – a PF who averaged a double-double and shot 45% from 3 – and Marquis Daniels and Mike Dunleavey, but they have a ways to go. Maybe once the drama dies down they can focus on being a team that will no longer have any connection to the melee a couple years back, and they can finally open a new chapter in their book with Danny Granger as the star. Personally, I’m afraid Granger had a one-hit wonder season, and he’ll never score more than 20 ppg in any season the rest of his career: 36-46.
CHARLOTTE BOBCATS
This team, at least on paper, should be a playoff team. Emeka Okafor locks down the lane and averages a double-double; Gerald Wallace can explode for huge points on any night; D.J. Augustin and Raymond Felton are both capable point guards whose competition for the starting position should only improve both of their play; and they brought in Raja Bell and Boris Diaw for depth. Now the problems: Okafor can’t score more than 20 points; Wallace will score 30 one game and then 3 the next; Larry Brown still hasn’t figured out how to use Augustin and Felton properly; and Bell and Diaw were totally underwhelming in their new environs. We could trace a lot of this back to the hire of Larry Brown as head coach, but I’d like to give the guy the benefit of the doubt after having taken AI and the 76ers to the Finals and then won it all with the Pistons in 2004. He has to have some talent as a coach, and it seemed like the perfect homecoming as he returned to North Carolina, the Tar Heel state, his alma mater. In that case, I think the root of the problem lies with the best player in the history of basketball, but also the worst exec in the history of basketball: Michael Jordan. That’s extremely hard for me to say since I have a tremendous man-crush on him from his playing days, but the guy is a terrible judge of talent and sets teams back. Remember that drafting of Kwame Brown with the #1-overall pick while with the Wizards? That didn’t work out well. And remember when he drafted BOTH Raymond Felton and Sean May from UNC after they won the national championship in 2005? Felton’s a maybe, but May was always a tweener that never produced and never will in the NBA. Go back to playing college. And, more importantly, do you remember that cry-baby mop-head from Gonzaga he drafted in 2007? He also didn’t work out because he couldn’t rebound and he wasn’t even a great scorer, plus he was a huge liability on defense, which means he should’ve been on his way to the D-League. Unfortunately, and this is the funny thing about the NBA, Adam Morrison was traded to the Lakers for Vladimir Radmanovic – who could prove to be a good player with Charlotte – and Morrison, like Marbury, also has a chance to win a championship this season. Maybe the best strategy to win a ring is to play terribly and be traded onto a good team? Then again, why are these good teams picking up these atrocious players? I guess we’ll never know. Let’s hope MJ doesn’t screw up the draft again this year: 35-47.
PHOENIX SUNS
Now this is just inexplicable: the Suns finished with 46 wins, better than 50% of Eastern Conference PLAYOFF TEAMS, but will have a lottery pick in the NBA Draft. For God’s sake, the Pistons finished below .500 and made the playoffs, but the Suns were excluded with their .561 winning percentage. There’s always talk of inequity between the conferences, but this just baffles the mind. No matter what, it seems like the Suns have done everything they can to lose games this season. It started last year when GM Steve Kerr ended the 7-seconds-or-less era by trading away Shawn Marion for Shaquille O’Neal, and the movement was completed when Mike D’Antoni, the genius behind the offense, was given his walking papers. Terry Porter was brought in to continue the offensive philosophy while also placing an emphasis on defense – defense? Are you talking about defense? Defense? – which seemed like noble goals. Too bad it never materialized, and Porter was fired mid-season. Somehow, interim coach Alvin Gentry managed to open up their offense like Porter could only dream and the Suns streaked late to make a push for the 8th spot in the West with his new 7-seconds-or-Shaq approach. Shaq has enjoyed a resurgent year, Amare has stayed healthy and productive, and though Nash did battle his usual back issues, he wasn’t bleeding from a broken nose at any point this season. Another key addition was Jason Richardson from the Bobcats, whom they received in exchange for Bell and Diaw. It looks like Kerr is dismantling the nucleus that excelled under D’Antoni and putting his finger-print all over this new incarnation of the Suns, and come next season he could be vindicated, especially since the Suns will be picking ahead of the Pistons, the 76ers, the Bulls, and the Heat in the NBA Draft. Enjoy the distinction of being the only team above .500 to not make the playoffs: 46-36.
And there you have it. 14 teams watching the playoffs from home just like you and me, except their homes have a lot bigger TVs and not as many roaches – at least I hope.
After watching some NBA action over the past few days, and reviewing draft prospects, I began to notice something that I found very interesting. There are some weird ass looking people in sports. I honestly couldn't believe what my eyes were seeing when having to look at some of these "people". Couple hundred years ago and some of these freaks would only belong in a traveling circus, if you catch my drift. Lets cut right to it and show some examples of what I mean.
OK folks, exhibit number 1: Charlie Villanueva Hey I know he has alopecia areata a rare disease. All I'm saying is that 150 years ago, he wouldn't be a millionaire ball player. Maybe burned at the stake or something I dont know I'm not a doctor.
Emeka Okafor: Jesus does this guy have a huge forehead, no wait scratch that, fivehead! His noggin is so big that he is renting the space to billboards to advertise during games. Here is his latest sponsership. As you can see, burger king jumped at the opportunity to showcase there newest small hamburger thing on the space.
Exhibit C: Jeff Faine This was a preshave shot before his wonderful drafting by the Browns...How in the world a 270lb VEGETARIAN center was drafted in the first round is beyond me. God it makes me so angry. Anyway some have specualated that he is part gorilla due to the uncanny resemblence, I tend to agree however I am not a biologist so I cant confere completely. Here judge for youself as I have a post shave picture ready as well. Decide for yourselves.
Steve Heiden: His story is truly remarkable, a touching one for all to hear. Quite amazing how he has surpised the teasing as a kid, and the constant lashings of Cyclopes' cant play football! Well he proved them all wrong and made it as a solid TE in the NFL. Steve Allen Heiden is a true hero. So there you have, the first trip into the Chandler's believe or not vault. In the future you can expect more excursions into the freak shows that's are professional athletes. I hope you enjoyed it, and perhaps opened you eyes to these freak shows I mean athletes.
Soon I will be releasing my official 2009 Mock Draft. As of right now, Georgia QB Matthew Stafford is expected to go #1 to Detroit. About that...
You know the feeling you get in your stomach when you see a car accident about to happen. Tension builds in your gut as you witness the naivite of each party, billowing at full speed towards their perilous destiny. You just want to yell, shout, alert them of the oncoming danger. This is my cry: “Don't do it Detroit! Don't draft Matthew Stafford! Take a lineman, trade back and get Sanchez, forfeit the pick, anything, but don't waste millions of dollars and years of frustration on inevitable failure!”
Yes, I've heard about his cannon arm. I know he can make “all the NFL throws.” I know he's “ a real gun-slinger in the mold of Brett Favre.” But all cliches and metaphors aside, he's not going to be a very good NFL quarterback, especially not with Detroit.
Quick, what does an 0-16 team at the most important position on the field? A laser-rocket arm? Pocket presence? Nimble footedness? First and foremost, I'll take a leader; Someone who will put a team on his back and commit himself fully to winning; Someone who, when challenged, is eager to respond and showcase his fortitude; Someone who will not accept failure.
Matt Stafford doesn't fit the bill. On September 27, when Bulldog fans marched “between the hedges” into Sanford Stadium, eager to see how the preseason #1 team would fair in its first real test against Alabama, do you know what they got? A drubbing. A 41-30 beatdown in which the score fails to properly measure just how hard they got bitch smacked. Now maybe it's an unfair comparison, but when Tim Tebow gets beat, it's the worst day of his life. He'll do anything and everything to make sure it never happens again. Stafford doesn't give a shit. No memorable speeches, no rallying cry, no picking up his fallen comrades. No, when Matthew Stafford hits the canvas, he stays down.
We got to see just how unfair of a comparison the Stafford/Tebow matchup was on November 1. That was the day Florida came into Athens and dismantled the Bulldogs 49-10. Matthew threw three interceptions, while Tim scored five touchdowns. Or there was Stafford's final home game, where his team blew a 16 point halftime lead to Georgia Tech. Did Matthew apologize to the fans or promise to avenge this loss in his team's bowl game? No, he said he “might consider entering the NFL draft.” Matthew Stafford is concerned with Matthew Stafford, and Matthew Stafford alone. Maybe some players on some teams can get away with that-- but not franchise quarterbacks on a team that failed to win a game in the previous season.
Yes, I know the Lions' incoming regime would like a new face for the organization. I know Dante Culpepper and Drew Stanton aren't long-term solutions at quarterback. I know Stafford's physical abilities are impressive, but his accuracy is questionable, his performance in big games-suspect, and most of all his lack of leadership- downright disturbing. Unaccountable quarterbacks don't turn teams around-- they wreck them. Pull the e-brake, Detroit.
Since our man on the ground draft correspondent ZP3 has gone MIA, what the hell are we paying you for anyways?, I have decided to break shower you with my giant intellect, spit some knowledge and show what to look for when drafting QBs and other players in for the NFL.
Rule #1: Throw the stats out the window, I dont care, stats are for nerds. Besides any QB that is going to be drafted for the NFL will have had excellent stats in college anyways. Look at the NCAA leaders for TDs and yards: Colt Brennan, Timmy Chang, BJ Symmons (YIKES), and Ty Detmer. YEAH! WOW look at those HOF type players for the NFL. Run away from College stat studs. AKA success in college does not translate into success in the NFL.
Rule #2: Size matters. Of course I am talking about hand size. Small hands = Alex Smith. Big Hands = Brett Favre. Just like arm length mean everything for the OT position see Robert Gallery (Allagator Arm himself) VS Joe Thomas (A regular stretch armstrong). You need big hands to grip the big football, plain and simple. Small hands means the ball squirts out too easily and have a harder time getting the torque needed to rifle the ball in there. Where did I come up with the delightful attribute you may ask? I once heard that shaking Brett Farve's hand was like shaking two hands at once. Which is still not as big as me, Mine are like shaking three.
Rule #3 Ok folks, I can not stress this rule enough, this is THE MOST important rule of all when drafting for QBs. If the prospect doesnt pass this criteria but has eveything else on the list, RUN AWAY! DO NOT DRAFT BALD QBS! PERIOD! NEVER EVER break this GOLDEN rule. Oh whats that you ask? Why does this matter. Hmm well I'll tell you why it is critical, I mean CRIT-I-CAL! Name one good blad qb, I dare ya. Try. They are too worried about their baldness and too subconscience about their second class citizenship to play qb effectivly in the NFL. Lets run through a few examples here for illustrated example:
Trent FUCKING Dilfer, My nemesis. Oh yea, he's bald, and TERRIBLE! I had to suffer through watching a bald QB ruin my beloved Browns with an avg of 2.5 turnovers a game BYHIMSELF for an entire season. God he sucked.
Oh still want more huh? OK Case in point: Jeff Garcia: Oh yea that D-bag is bald for sure. So what if he had a probowl season one time in his career. He was throwing to TO in his prime and played behind a great defense. He also has a big huge gay voice, another red flag right there. His wife is a cover up and was way hotter before her breast implants. Jeff Garcia also ruined the Browns seasons. Two disasterous seasons, two bald QBs...mmmm....
Still not convinced huh? Ok one more. JEFF GEORGE! Doesnt matter that he wasnt bald when he was drafted and sported a mullet. This is where GMs doing their research is critical. They have to do some family history and see if male pattern baldness effects their family. Some say it keeps a generation or follows the mother's side yadda yadda dont care. If his 3rd distant step cousin owns a balding beagle, thats too much of a close call for me. Thank god I am so manly and full of hair that I have to cut my hair daily like most people have to shave just to keep it out of my eyes while bringing this public service anouncement to the NFL GMs.
Rule # 4 Say away from players older than 23 by the mid point of the NFL season. When drafting a player you want a stud who was a stud from the get go. Not some player who had to sit back and be redshirted or played in a junior college. Not good enough to start for your college team? Not good enough to hold the clip board on my team. The example here would be Jason White, yea he won the heisman so what, didnt do jack in the NFL. Too Old, pathetic that he tried to play 7 seasons in college. Medical redshirt my ass.
And now for the final rule, probably the second mot important rule, more or a 1a though.
Rule #5 No chin, no wins!. Do not draft chinless freaks like a Jay Cutler. Whos career record is 17-20. Where is the chin? I dont know its just not there. I think they have to make a special chin strap that sticks to his neck so it looks like it stays there. Theres an ancient proverb that states he who is without a chin is a bitch or something like that. For comparision who would you rather have as your qb? Dear God, look at that chin...And it won him 3 superbowls.
Ok so here is a fun activity to test how well you listen. According to my fail proof plan based upon these stats: Big hands, almost as big as mine, three yr starter at Boston College (decent, no OSU but a good school), 22 his rookie year, and heres a picture for the clincher: So good QB?
The Answer: If you said yes because he also had a strong jaw line you would be an IDIOT! He violates the most important rule of all time! He is infact a baldy and constantly hurt.
Thank God I am here to set the GMs straight on the QB debate.
What can I say? Michigan State is on a roll. The Spartans are a bunch of Davids slaying Goliaths: they beat the defending-champs Kansas Jayhawks, they beat the #1-overall seed Louisville Cardinals, and they thwarted #1-seed UConn in the Final Four. Throughout it all, they've won keeping the games in the 60s and playing great defense. They're not exciting to watch, they don't have a single stand-out player, and they're one win away from winning the national championship thirty years after Magic led the Spartans to victory over the Hick from French Lick, Larry Bird.
While Michigan State is grinding out games, the North Carolina Tar Heels are smashing their opponents like a boss. They cruised to an opening-round win over Radford, they knocked off LSU by 12, throttled Gonzaga, stifled Oklahoma, and now they dispatched with Villanova like a red-headed step-child. Their performance was the complete opposite from last year's Final Four loss to Kansas, where they started slowly and found themselves in a 40-12 hole they couldn't crawl out of no matter how hard they tried. Ty Lawson, Tyler Hansbrough, Wayne Ellington, and Co. are playing with confidence, they're running when they get the opportunities and locking down on defense. Lawson is the perfect point guard, Hansbrough can score but he's also scrappy and plays hard (annoyingly so), and Ellington will shoot the lights out.
Which means something has to give on Monday night. Michigan State either continues to knock off higher-seeded teams or UNC proceeds to pummel another opponent on their way to a fifth national championship, their second this decade. To be honest, Michigan State's lack of a true star player is to their benefit, because the Tar Heels can't focus on one player like they did with Blake Griffin. The Spartans have someone big step up every game, but they could also be at the end of that rope: Suton led them to a win over Kansas, Raymar Morgan lifted them to victory with 18 points over UConn after hitting one field goal in the last three rounds. To be honest, the Tar Heels play great team defense, and if you go down the line-ups and compare you'll see that UNC has the edge:
POINT-GUARD: Michigan State's Kalin Lucas v. UNC's Ty Lawson. Lawson is the ACC Player of the Year, averaged 16.5 points per game, 6.6 assists per game, and is the heart and soul of his team. As Lawson goes, so do the Tar Heels. Fortunately for them, he's been going all season, and his toe injury hasn't slowed him much. Lucas averages 14.7 points per game and 4.6 assists, which is definitely solid. Lucas is also the leader of the team, but he's just not on the same level as Lawson.
ADVANTAGE: UNC
SHOOTING GUARD: Michigan State's Travis Walton v. UNC's Wayne Ellington. Ellington is a dead-eye shooter, scoring 15.8 per game during the season and upping that average to 19.2 during the tournament. He's shooting 54% from the field and, more importantly, 48% from three-point range, including 5/7 against Nova. He's on a tear, and he doesn't play terrible defense. Overall, he reminds me a lot of Rashad McCants, a member of the Tar Heel's 2005 championship team who also loved to throw it up from downtown and could make jump-shots all over the court. With Lawson driving and kicking to Ellington, it's almost unstoppable. On the flip-side, Walton averaged 5.2 points per game during the season, and he hasn't done much better during the tournament, where he's averaging 6 points flat, including a scoreless game in the opening round against Robert Morris. Plus, of the 30 points he's scored in the tourney, 18 of them came in the second-round win over USC, when he shot 8-13. This is a clear example of a Spartan stepping up big in one game and ceding that label to another player in the next game, and Walton has vanished back into the wood-work on offense since. His plus is that he has played defense like a glove on the best scorers from the opposing team. Still, he can't shoot threes -- attempting 5 threes all season -- and Ellington has two inches on him, so I don't think this is much of a contest.
ADVANTAGE: UNC
SMALL FORWARD: Michigan State's Raymar Morgan v. UNC's Danny Green. Green is a senior averaging 13.2 points and 5 rebounds per game in the tournament, and he's made some clutch shots in games, though many haven't been close enough to warrant the adjective "clutch." Still, he's solid, nothing flashy about him, but he has gotten himself into foul trouble recently: he had 4 fouls against Gonzaga and Villanova. UNC will need him on the court to match-up against Morgan, and since he has the ability to hit mid-range jumpers he can help spread the floor and create driving lanes for Lawson. That said, he has to be hitting for it work, and he's only averaging 43% FG in the tournament. Meanwhile, Raymar Morgan was the latest Spartan to step up and actually play "clutch" in the fullest sense of the word. He had 16 points in the opening round win against Robert Morris, then hit one field goal and averaged 2.3 points per game against USC, Kansas, and Louisville. He showed up against UConn and had 18 points on 7/13 FG to go along with 9 rebounds and five steals. He played monster, even with the mask to protect his face after breaking his nose in the last round. The question is whether this performance is just a flash in the pan or if it's an indication of renewed confidence and success for Morgan. He's had bad luck all season, battling mono and walking pneumonia and now the broken nose, but he's never quit playing. And since I saw him play in high school at Canton McKinley, and since he has two inches on Danny Green, I have to give him props.
ADVANTAGE: Michigan State
POWER FORWARD: Michigan State's Delvon Roe v. UNC's Deon Thompson. This was a toss-up between Thompson and Hansbrough as neither truly plays the PF position or the C, but since Hansbrough is an inch taller than Thompson, and since he'll be guarding the Spartans' center Goran Suton, I decided to compare Roe with Thompson. Thompson averaged 10 points per game in the season but only 6.6 in the tournament, and his rebounds have also fallen from 5.8 in the season to 2.25 in the tournament. It's hard to figure out what exactly is going on with Thompson, and he plays a straight post game, but you can't really even say that he has all the intangibles necessary to make him a great player. He's efficient, let's just say that. Thompson does have experience, though, 3 years worth. Meanwhile, Roe averaged 5.3 points per game in the season and only 4.0 in the tournament. His rebounds similarly fell from 5.1 in the season to 3.2 in the tourney. He's a freshman, and he did have some outstanding defensive plays against UConn that warranted applause. This seems to be the weakest position on both teams, and it's a toss-up for which player is better. Roe hasn't had his break-out game yet, and this could be his chance to erupt for a huge game, but I doubt it since he doesn't shoot great, which will force him into the post against Thompson, who has 20 pounds on him. This one's hard but, I'll have to say . . .
ADVANTAGE: UNC
CENTER: Michigan State's Goran Suton v. UNC's Tyler Hansbrough. Hansbrough was the Naismith Player of the Year and ACC Player of the Year in 2008, and he broke the ACC scoring record this season. He averaged 20.8 points per game and 8.2 rebounds in the season, with 17.4 points and 8.0 rebounds in the tourney. As much of a douche-bag as he can be, he plays hard and works for rebounds and loose balls, the kind of motor that you can't teach and can tip the scales in any game. He's also a senior who's only gap on his impressive resume is a national championship, and he's definitely playing his balls off in order to add that hardware to his mantle. Suton has lit up the tournament, raising his 9.9 points per game in the season to 12.2 in the tournament, including games of 20 and 19 points in huge efforts against Kansas and Louisville, respectively. He also raised his rebounds from 8.1 to 10.6, including three double-doubles in his last five games. Like all of the Spartans, he plays great defense, but it got him into foul trouble against UConn, when his 4 fouls limited his productivity and held him to only 4 points. He's the Bosnian Bombardier, and also a senior looking to end his career on a high note, but I can't really pick someone who's been great in the last few games over a guy who's done it for four straight years.
ADVANTAGE: UNC
BENCH: This is a difficult thing to really gauge. UNC's starters are just so good and have played huge minutes all tournament that the bench players haven't gotten into many games or logged many significant minutes. Against Nova, one player scored off the UNC bench: forward Ed Davis with his monster 5 points. Guard Bobby Frasor spells Lawson, but he's nowhere near on Lawson's level. The Tar Heels have a very talented team and can go deep, they just haven't, which could be a bad thing when these rusty players need in the game and can't perform. In total contrast, Izzo makes use of his bench to keep his players fresh. Michigan State's bench outscored UConn's 33-7, a tremendous margin. The Spartans share the load, which could work in their favor. While I would assume that the UNC bench is just as talented at Michigan State's, the fact that they contribute so little in games makes this decision easy.
ADVANTAGE: Michigan State
And there you have it, a 4-2 edge in favor of the UNC Tar Heels. UNC loses the Battle of the Benches, but that won't matter when three of their starters score 20 points and they jump all over the Spartans from the very start of the game, as they have done in their last three blow-out wins. One could argue that Michigan State has the edge when it comes to the fan-base, since Ford Field is only 90 miles from the Spartans' campus in East Lansing. While it may be easier for Michigan State to drive to the Final Four, from what I saw last night the Tar Heels had a pretty good showing in the stands. Not that it would matter anyway, because the Tar Heels are used to playing in tough environments on the road: nothing can possibly be worse than facing the Cameron Crazies in Durham, and the Tar Heels smashed the Dukies 101-87 in February.
And lots of people wonder if this will be a repeat of the game in December when UNC bitch-slapped Michigan State 98-63 on Ford Field. At that time, Michigan State came off a long road-trip and dropped this game, the fourth of that week. UNC looked strong, but the Spartans were also missing Suton, who was out with arthroscopic surgery at the time. The Spartans are back, and it's hard to say that they're 35 points worse than UNC.
Still, even with Suton and the "home-court advantage" and a day's rest, they're 30 points worse than the Tar Heels.
Look for UNC to topple Michigan State and run away with it. I'm tired of these damn Spartans hanging around, and there's nothing I'll enjoy more than the Tar Heels burying them. Plus, I'll win my bracket pool and take home $60. Dolla-dolla bill, y'all.
Michigan State, you better check yourself before you wreck yourself. UNC is coming to town.
